Last Friday evening, I partook in perhaps my favourite Friday-evening turn of events. A little visit to the cinemas (Scott Pilgrim - I highly recommend it), followed by a late dinner at the ever-classy Shanghai Dumplings.

Inside the dumpling palace, somewhere between the fourth round of “Happy Birthday” and a dumpling finding its way into my tea, I spotted the most incredible thing. So beautiful, so majestic: it was my very first fem-mullet. Hard to believe, I know. Coming from Croydon, one would think that this is no new phenomenon to me. But this fem-mullet was so elegant that I was almost moved to tears. And so, when I returned home, I did a little research: just how do these fabulous hairstyles diversify? (No, I wasn’t drunk.)

A quick internet definition search for “fem-mullet” will land you with the following: “A mullet (perhaps with a rattail) sported by a woman; aka lady mullet.”

Tip of the iceberg…

The streamlined fem-mullet has been designed to offer the least resistance to fluid flow. It is the minimalist’s mullet; pure essentials. Highly organised, this mullet sports the mull-efficiency of 0.9. Notice the sleek streamlines and perfect distribution of frizz balancing out the full cheeks. Pure elegance, augmented best with a snazzy tartan T-shirt.

The carnie mullet is a popular breed, and so competition for dominance is high. It’s clear that these particular fem-mulls pride themselves on their palettes and ravenous appetites. It spends 88% of its life fixated on what it will eat and where it will eat next. It prefers fast food establishments and favours food high in sodium, fats and carbohydrates. Tight-fitting denim jeans go well with this combo, and plain white shirts (which are available for purchase at your local Big W). Rarely seen in urban environments because they do not like to leave the comfort and familiarity of their cozy trailer park community.

The sports mullet is truly something to behold. There is a certain confidence emulating from this beast. The overweight chub stance and the glorious mullet both encourage and exaggerate the authoritative role this hottie plays in life. Capable of intense angry stares and inspirational yelling matches, this breed is nothing less than mullarific.

If you catch sight of any other fem-mullets, I’d love to hear your tales. Beware, though: many of these specimens are angry at heart, and no doubt sick of staring at the camera lenses and pointed ridicule.

I see this becoming an unhealthy obsession…